Rage

My mother, having an open throat chakra and a close relationship with rage, frightened me as a child.

She was a strong Russian woman having survived the war.

I didn't want to be like that.

She was too strong, too aggressive, too direct.

I wanted to be gentle, sweet, good girl,

So I swung to the opposite side of the pendulum.

If I loved everyone they would love me back, I thought.

WRONG!

People do what people do and my good girl acting sweet,

Could not, did not, change their program.

Anyone’s program.

The only thing my acting sweet did for me was

It kept putting me in situations of being victimized,

Feeling sorry for myself.

On one of my sad days, I read,

“The victimizer comes dressed as a victim"

What does that mean?!!!

Well, maybe that's true but not in my case. I'm trying to be nice.

Suddenly the realization came. “I'm trying to be.”

That was my agenda, “trying to be.”

So you have to act accordingly otherwise

I'll be a victim because I'm nice.

All energy forces are given for the purpose of evolution

And you don't respect rage,

A wise old man once told me.

“What does the spirit of rage have to teach you?” he said. “You’re not listening.”

His words shocked me into trying to listen inside myself,

And yes, I found it.

I don't want to be like my mother. Her power hurt.

So I became afraid of the force of rage,

Castrating myself from myself.

But as forces go, the more you ignore them,

The louder they keep knocking,

Wanting to be used for the purpose of evolution.

After much conscious effort, I can say rage and I are respectful friends.

I don't need its help but if necessary, it's available.

It has given me courage to take more risks.

To be OK with failure.

To see the humor of my madness

To live, love and let go.

Yes, we are now guilt-free good friends